1. Have you ever had a romantic crush on someone, believing them to be ‘the one’ but feeling too shy to tell them how you feel, you never confessed your love?
Now you’re left wondering how your life might have shaped out if you had told this person how you felt.
- How much regret do you feel about this? 1: I feel minimal regret 7: I feel extreme regret
- If you had an opportunity to act differently, to what extent would you choose to do so? 1: I would have acted completely the same. 7: I would have acted completely different.
- If you could, how much would you want to go back and undo your regret? 1: not at all. 7: very much so.
2. Ever dreamed of using your creative talents to pursue a career as an artist but your family pressurised you to get a ‘real job leading you to forsake your passion.
Now, whilst sitting at your desk job you wonder how life might have been different if you had chosen to follow your heart and work towards your dream.
- How much regret do you feel about this? 1: I feel minimal regret 7: I feel extreme regret
- If you had an opportunity to act differently, to what extent would you choose to do so? 1: I would have acted completely the same. 7: I would have acted completely different.
- If you could, how much would you want to go back and undo your regret? 1: not at all. 7: very much so.
3. Ever observed wrongdoing that you recognised as an abuse of power, be it domestic abuse, bullying, child abuse, corporate abuse etc but expecting others to do something or feeling fearful and disempowered you never intervened, allowing the abuse to continue?
Now you’re left deeply impacted by your seeming respect for your own fear than for your principles.
- How much regret do you feel about this? 1: I feel minimal regret 7: I feel extreme regret
- If you had an opportunity to act differently, to what extent would you choose to do so? 1: I would have acted completely the same. 7: I would have acted completely different.
- If you could, how much would you want to go back and undo your regret? 1: not at all. 7: very much so.
When you look back on your life to this point, and consider the above questions, what is your biggest regret?
Research from Shai Davidai and Thomas Gilovich indicate two distinct aspects of the Self;
the “ideal” Self : The ideal self is an individual’s representation of the attributes he/she (or others) would ideally like to possess (e.g., her hopes, goals, aspirations, or wishes);
AND
the “ought” Self : The ought self is her representation of the attributes she (or others) believes she should possess (e.g., her duties, obligations, and responsibilities).
Our most enduring regrets result more from the failure to act than from having taken action. This arises from discrepancies between our actual selves and the image we have of our ideal selves.
People are more likely to regret not being all that they could have been
Although people experience discomfort both when they fail to live up to their ideal self and when they fail to live up to their ought self, the two types of discrepancies elicit different emotions. When people believe they are failing to live up to their ideal self, they experience dejection-related emotions such as sadness and disappointment. In contrast, when people believe they are failing to live up to their ought self, they experience agitation-related emotions such as fear, guilt, and restlessness. To understand an individual’s negative emotions, one has to understand the expectations she has for herself and her perceived failure to meet them.
People are quicker to take steps to cope with failures to live up to their duties and responsibilities (ought-related regrets) more than their failures to live up to their goals and aspirations (ideal related regrets). Our ideal related regrets are more likely to remain unresolved leaving people more likely to regret not being all they could have been more than all they should have been. After all, ‘undoing’ a failure to act is mostly impossible.
Every time I speak at an event, no matter where in the world, I have two groups of people who want to speak to me. One of the groups is made up of individuals who share how they too had observed an abuse of power and how they remained silent in the full knowledge that they were instrumental in allowing the abuse to continue. They share that they still live with the shame and regret which has resulted in eroding their sense of selves and continues to get in the way of their lives. Unable to identify a silver lining and feeling disempowered to learn an important lesson, they give me gifts. Acting as some sort of compensatory benefit I humbly suggest this is a form of redemption for them. Although the initial sting of ought-related regrets may be more intense, ideal-related regrets may prove more bothersome—and more enduring— in the long run.
The pain of regrettable inaction is that it’s seen as less justified in retrospect. Although reasons that prevent people from taking action may be compelling at the time, they’re often experienced as less so down the line. People tend to remember their unrealised goals better than those that have been fulfilled and many regrets of inaction are exactly that—unfulfilled goals. People are therefore more likely to call to mind and be bothered by their regrets of inaction than their regrets of action.
We only have to re visit the thirty-year journey of Nasa engineer for the Challenger Shuttle, Ebling, who did speak out to be overruled in order to understand the erosion and long term costs of shame.
Considerations
- Frame the ‘event’ as one incident to avoid ‘event splitting’ which is a bias toward regret avoidance, applying an increased weighting of consequences by considering and splitting a single event into two sub-events.
- Short term vs Long term: Base decisions on long term outcomes
- Important Outcomes: The more important an outcome is, the more likely it is that a person will engage in the anticipation of regret, because more important decisions will result in more intense regret when things go awry
- Undoing Decisions: The most painful experience of regret is when a decision is irreversible. The most significant of all being the failure to act.
- Better safe than Sorry? Because regret is an emotion that stems from the comparison of outcomes, when opting for an anticipated ‘safer’ choice there is a risk of learning later that the riskier option turned out to be better, with the suffering of regret as the outcome.
- Reflective Thought: the anticipation of regret induces us to make more `rational’ choices leading us to think more elaborately and reflectively before making a final decision.
Watch 1 minute video of the Top Five Regrets people have – all of them include the personal perception of lacking the Courage to live authentically and fulfilled.
What Can We Do?
- Train for Courageous Conversations to speak-listen up about and to immoral behaviour. Most of us know “what” to do but not “how” to in a challenging situation. If we learn and practice with some level of stress in a ‘social flight simulation we, like pilots, create the muscle memory to act in the way that we’ve practiced when the real situation arises. Stress then becomes a cue for mindful, courageous action rather than avoidance and the longer term pain of shame and regret.
- Bring possible future regret to the attention of the decision maker at the time the decision is made.
- Allow for failure – experimental and correlational methods show that internal, stable, uncontrollable attributions for failure are positively related to shame
- Re think “organisational wellness,” as “wellness ”in organisations.
- Build the resolve to do better in the future.
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Wendy